Missing You

Tonight was a sad night

I heard your voice

But I could not see your face

I saw everything but you

The sad reality is

That is all I have ever been able to see

You have been a shadow in the night where there is no light

A drop of water in the depths of the Ocean

Tonight I wondered yet again

What could have been?

Though to be honest I never really knew you

Never even saw you

You are as mysterious as the wind

The many nights that I have spent trying to figure you out have failed

You are what I will never know

A distant memory fast fading

A sad reality

A reminder of the summation of my past mistakes

You are that

And I still cry for closure to this sad reality

Tonight I wish to see you

Tonight I wish to experience your presence

Not for permanence

Just a moment of closure

I miss you… again

Spoiled Mess

I am a maze
What strange man I am
I seem to think I know what I want
Until what I want I get
Then I push it aside like a spoiled child

Please oh please my dear do not think less of me this time!
I so long to allow another to put themselves into my arms
I would rather know without a doubt it you before I say it is so

For you are like a dear gem
You are in fact unlike any other
Beautiful in your ways
As the masses have cast you aside I choose to stop and stare
How can I not?
Your life and conduct emulates that of one who knows the truth
One who is in fact the most rare

I do not approach with reservations about you
No, but reservations about myself

How can I be enough for someone as pure as you?
How can a broken mess such as me be worthy of something as clean as you?

Clear Sign

Hey it’s you…
I never thought I would say this but I really think it is you.
There are many that I have taken my time with
More or less wasted my time with
You however stand out as a gem from the rest

A rock in this turbulent tide of this Ocean of relationships
Here is a place I can build a life
Together we can build!

Am I right?
Or is the spark that I have sensed untrue?
Are the signals you have sent, are they the same like the many others I have given my energies?
Perhaps the reason we come become such good friends is because of what we are meant to be.

Will I ever muster the boldness to ask?
Will we ever know what we are meant to be?
And if I did muster the boldness, would you just lie like all the rest?
I stand here conflicted
Send me a clear sign before this moment passes
This may be our last chance.

The Ruination of Me

You have become the filter I use
I guess it is natural
Considering the effect you have had on my life
However you have become the ruination of me

This path I travel should have been lit by you
Instead you are the shadows lingering about

I am unable to trust another because of you
There seems to be no hope for me because of the pain you caused me.

You are the ruination of me
The scars I carry
And the bitterness within; though my own, stem from your actions.

Alas there is little hope for me to hold onto a healthy relationship
For I never knew one
This is the ruination of me.

Gem

Oh short our time is together.

I know that our time spent is but a wisp of wind.

Yet somehow on a level that is deeper than we realize it is already more.

I am but a lowly hunter in a big world.

You are a gem that has been damaged.

Yet I see the beauty beneath.

How I wish to tell you of that beauty I see.

Soon, soon loved one I will.

I pray for your soul.

That you be preserved through the fires.

I pray that through them you will come to see as I have seen.

This lowly hunter sits here ready to take you into his arms.

Ready to take you to a better place.

Oh now I hope you understand how I feel.

It really is the real thing my Gem.

Come take my hand we shall face these fires together.

Lies of Freedom

What is this state of mind I am in?
I am really not ready to take on this world like I said
I am carefree, and lousy
What I want is to be my own person
Freedom is my goal and nothing more
Don’t hang on to me I don’t want to be tied down
I want what I want
Freedom yes that is all I want!

So what does that make me conceited?
If it does then that’s OK
I have nothing better to be
I have no desire to be broken again by this cruel world
There are so many faces in the crowd
And it seems they have all lied to me
Or maybe it is that I believe they will all lie to me eventually
I want my freedom not yours
By lying to me you claim a piece of freedom
I choose not to believe that lying is the way to my freedom
Honesty is my road
And freedom is my goal
Those whom choose to travel with me, the few and faithful
These will be the few that I will be tied down by
Maybe unless they lie as well

Old Friends

Many years ago; it seems, we began a journey together
There were no others there with us
We shared almost every moment together
The memories; O how precious they were to us

Then the unthinkable
Separation from the arms of love
We were forbade solace together
The heart waned for the fellowship

I know that I wondered through that wilderness searching for others who would be true
Never forgetting what we had once shared
Wondering if you felt the same

Seeing you in the crowd and you turning away from me
As did I for that was the law
We did all that which we were instructed

You were evil and vile
A scourge on this earth
But lying awake at night I knew deep within that I did not believe that
How could it be the ones that I had shared so much with?
Now were my worst enemies?

Then came the morning
As the sun rose over the mountains
My eyes were opened to the truth of the matters
I no longer was blind to the truth

This is a happy tale for now on this day we have returned to our special fellowship
Where love and friendship reigns
I pray we never lose these emotions that we share
Together once again because of our choice
No law will pull us apart again I hope
For we know what we had
And we know what we lost
Now we know what we have regained.

Traveling Partners

It is a strange thing meeting you here
Though we have known each other for a long span
We have not stood in the others presence
There was a long journey
That we both set out on together
As the sun beat down hard on the many companions that were with us
The stress of the journey became too much for some
Across the way we saw an oasis
A place to rest
Some said it is a mirage
Most believe it was real and set out to find it
Since we were unable to make our own way we chose to stay with those whom we held close
Unfortunately that was not each other
As our journeys continued on
We both faced disappointment and happiness
The day came for us
Like it does for all young ones in the group
That we set out on our own journey
As that journey began and now is in progress
We find ourselves here
Our lives have come together once again
Maybe we can rest here for a spell
Or perhaps we will take the same roads for a time
For the experiences we have all had are all different
But it has led us all to the same place
If we separate will we survive without the others?
Perhaps since we find agreement here it is better to travel together
Rather than separate as the previous generation did in days past
Come now let us travel and rest as seen fir for us
For traveling partners are what makes the journey easier and much more bearable.

Fire

Your warmth is good to me
Yet if I get to close you burn me
Oh how I desire you in my life
But you hate me and all that I have done
All my accomplishments you burned up

What have I done to deserve such treatment from you?
I have given you nothing but love
In your case you have taken it as fuel for your raging inferno
You eat up anything that comes into your path

You are growing larger and more dangerous to those around you
I shield my face from you because you have become too hot for one to look on
I once settled into your warm glow
Now I am running for my life away from your horrible fury

Oh fire how I wish you would return to what you once were
I cannot be near you any longer
For you have burned me and everything else I have ever loved

I run into the cold to escape you
Though the cold be dangerous
You are more the threat than anything that I have ever faced

For something you trust you let your guard down
And that will be the death of me
To survive I must run to keep from fueling you
Burn fire burn, burn until you burn out

Nothing

There is something that welled up deep within me
It is unexplainable, what this phenomenon was
It is certainly a thrill that is beyond explanation

This certainly is something worth living for, worth dieing for
There was nothing else more powerful

Somewhere in this futile attempt at living
I lost my fire, and my passion
This unexplainable thrill that I once had

I began searching to and fro for this thrill
I was relentless in the search
But my phenomenon was in fact gone from sight.

Where is the fire,
The passion,
That I once held deep within?

I remember having it all
And then I remember it was all stripped away
It happened so slowly, I did not even notice until it had all been ripped from my soul.

It is gone
I am nothing more than a heap of broken spirits
A passionless scrounge left for dead in this loveless world
I am nothing

Goodbye

I stand outside this house
In the wind and the cold
I see within you sitting in the warmth
You and the rest
But I turn from this and depart
For I no longer have a desire to be numbered with you.

Who were we?
We were something?
We were exclusive.
We were the talk of the town!

Now I am the enemy
Because I left you

You the club are still together
And I stand in the cold looking in
But I would rather be an outsider
For what we did was cruel

And now I am the victim of your cruelty
It is better this way
For I have no desire to come back in.

You can have your club and your exclusivity
I have chosen to leave you

I would rather be left alone
But yet you still choose to invite me back in
My mind is made up
Leave me be

Because it seems you want something that you cannot have
My freedom, of which you cannot have nor take

I'm leaving,
Goodbyes are permanent
So... Goodbye

Journey

Time passes us by

Maybe a little too fast

To know where you are going sometimes you have to stop and see where you have been

Stop and smell the roses as some say

Oh how wonderful their scent is

But I won’t stay here long time is going quick

Urgency is the driving force

Driving me to the end of this journey

Oh but this will not be the last journey I will be on

This journey will lead to another

And that will lead on to more exciting adventures

But remember I must to look behind and reflect on where I have been

The passages I went through

And the battles fought

The blood lost

And the sweat poured out

The best part of this journey is not when I reach the end

But the experiences I have had and will along the way

MMM! Have you smelled these roses?

Lost

Lost is how I feel

I seem to have been here before

That form over there looks familiar

I do not know what to call this form I look at because I have forgotten everything about my mission and purpose.

What is it I seek?

I seem to no longer have a purpose in this journey

This journey to nowhere

Before I left there were many there with me

Many traveled a few miles with me

Then a few disappeared

But I did not notice

Until now, when there is none left

And I am here wondering in circles

What is the point to this endless charade?

Painstakingly making it appear as I have it all figured out

I stumble in the darkness without hope

My greatness weakness is my pride

This pride disallows me from crying out for help!

Lost is not how I feel

It is how I am

Oh how I long for the days when I was championed in the streets

My name was on the lips of every man

Now I am here in the darkness lost and cold

Forgotten

A has been am I

There is none that will come and comfort me

For I would never allow it

The few that reached out I growled at like a wild animal

I rejected them and turned away

No one will be able to help me in this state

Now I am lost beyond recovery

Something the masses gave up on

And the few that loved me gave up on as well

How sad am I

To be lost because of my own pride

I am lost

Come find me please my pride is fading

Do you find yourself lost? 
Read my companion post Savior r 
Please Email your questions.

Read the Behind the Blog for this post!

Dead Honesty

Black is the night

And cold is its grip

Just like your lies and deceit

Did you take a moment to consider my feelings?

Or were you too focused on your selfish endeavors to even consider another?

You reap what you sow

The reaper will come along for you

I only hope that you have sowed a few good things

You burned me with fire

I fell to the ground

But I have been raised from the ashes a better man

Unfortunately for you through all this

It shows you are not the person that you could be

Rise above!

Be a real person!

Honesty is not dead to you!

I will never give you a chance to burn me again

But another already has

Don’t burn them

For the night is black

And its grip cold

Then the only one you will have to look to, will be yourself

And then honesty will be dead

Forgotten Name

Beneath your lies
Beneath your deceit
I believe you are a decent person.

I fear for you
There will be more like me
More who want to forget your name
Forget your face.

Daddy will not be there forever,
In fact he will not be there for long,
Mommy does want the best for you, but her perspective is skewed.

Ultimately you must make your own decisions
If you do not there will be decisions made for you
Regardless if you like them or not

To me you are a fading memory
Your name I will soon forget
As I have forgotten the many others who lied to me.

It is not you I hate
I hate what you have become and what you did to me.
To forget you is the only way I will sleep at night
And the only way I will move on.
You will find one day soon that where you is dark and lonely
Only at that time will you decide that you will have to make a change
Or risk becoming another victim

Your chance to be free is now
Take it while you can

I have nothing to offer you
But there are others that will be able to walk with you
Like I said I forget your name…

Pitter Patter

Pitter patter

I hear you run through the halls

Oh how I try to ignore you

Somehow you annoy me

And I know I annoy you

Strange though

The time we have spent together is much

And every day you show me that we really should be friends

To be honest you have better to me than I have been to you

Coming to me late at night making sure I am well

Respecting my requests even though it was I that disrupted your world

You have showed me a love that is rarely experienced

Pitter patter, pitter patter

Back and forth

I smile as I close my eyes to sleep

For I know even though you will spend the night watching out for me

You will still be awake to greet my grumpy grumblings in the morning

Goodnight…

Written to Mitzi the Cat, a true friend (you’re still weird though!)

Dive

Dive in deep below.

Down deeper than you have ever gone.

This is the place where you must go.

No one can tell you how you will do this.

You must do this on your own.

This is not for the fainthearted

Many a good men have lost their lives in this dive.

Many would kill for a successful dive.

Few succeed.

I can see it in you.

You can accomplish great things.

You are one of the few that will dive deep.

And emerge with the treasure you seek deep below.

Go Now!

The time is short, but sweet.

You will be the better for it all.

Thankful

We thank you for our Family

With thank you for our broken Family, for we would not know how important our unbroken one is

We thank you for our Friends

We thank you for Enemy's, for we would not know what a friend was without enemy's

WE thank you for our Pets

We thank you for the Strays, for we would feel as much love for them if we did not see the ones that had been rejected.

We thank you for our House

We thank you for the Shelters, for without them we would not know what we really had.

We thank you for our Food

We thank you for Starvation, for without it we would not know how much we had.

We thank you for Heat

We thank you for Cold, for without it we would not know how wonderful heat is.

We thank you for Love

We thank you for Hate, for we would not know what love was without it.

We thank you for Good

We thank you for Bad, for without it we would not know how good we have it.

We ask that you help us to remember to thank you for all you have given us.

We ask that we never forget you Jesus who gave all that is good.

We thank you for letting us be Thankful

Thankfullessness

Thankful?
Why should I be thankful?
What good thing has ever happened to me?
The world should be thanking me!
I have done so much for them!
They just don't realize it I suppose...
Is this irrational?
I am possibly the most UN-thankful person in history.
It's not my fault!
They just don't get me.
Why do I have to put up with all these UN-thankful people surrounding me?

I hate them more than they can hate me!
They never loved me!
So I will never love them!
There is venom inside all of them!

It's not my fault!
It is theirs!
Forget them all!
I am more important!
The world owes me!

Oh me!
I am a sad story.
I am thankless and I do not care.
How selfish I am to think that I should not be Thankful for something.
I'm not selfish I just choose to not see it any other way but mine!

Prison

Hello Prison
Your whitewashed walls with bars on the window seems to be welcoming today.
I hate it here.
Yet I cannot get away from you.
So I choose to stay here within your tiny enclosure.

This is a prison of choice.
I know that is the truth my pitiful state.
The trouble is all I have ever known is this place.
Your uncomfortable bed and rancid food.

Oh look here comes the Warden to make sure I am in my place.
Perhaps he comes to tell me of another charge brought against me.
He passes me with no more than a quick glance.
I am a model prisoner.

It is strange he has told me I can leave multiple times.
However I am frightened to leave.
And every time I attempt to leave he brings another false charge against me.

Why I am in this place?
I have not slept for years it seems!

I heard a story of another prisoner who broke free.
Many say its just a myth.
No one get out of this prison.

I have talked to some that stand just beyond the bars of the prison yard.
They tell me that I can escape.
That the charges are false.
And that there is a better life for me beyond.

But the Warden has said differently.
Who am I to doubt the Warden?
He is the only truth I have ever known.

I am meant to be in this place forever there is no escape.
No force can break these bars and free me.

It is that time again.
Lights out.
Goodnight Prison